Going Out In Style: No Change

By Dee Oliver

Change—don't do it!

By nature humans really don't like change. We like things to stay the same.

We like old slippers, old chairs, old books, old friends...

Change means only one thing to most people...we are going to have to learn something new!!!

In the funeral business we have an unwritten rule we try to advise the families with: No Change for the first year after you lose a loved one.

Webster dictionary defines change as: the act or an instance of making or becoming different.

When someone close to you dies, GOD activates within you what I would call a protective, emotional shock–absorber system.  Kind of like GOD’S own bubble wrap. It. Is. Great!

The purpose of it is to protect and shield you from the immediate impact of the world.  It allows you to begin the difficult and very slow process of working through your grief.

You really can’t speed through this time period…..….if you try you will only end up backtracking through it and believe me, once is enough!

This bubble-wrap buffer last only about a year. You need to use this to your upmost advantage.

Now some of your well meaning family and friends might advise you to make changes: 

Move to a smaller/bigger/new town/new state/warmer climate/cooler climate

Change your hair color/cut

How about a touch-up? Eyes? Nose?   

Maybe Dating!   Really, Dating?   (That is a real NO NO).

 

Give away or remove their clothes and favorite things…..

Don’t do it.  You will at later date regret these decision. Being surrounded by familiar, comforting things is good and reassuring,  they make you feel safe when you feel as if your whole world has been shaken to its very core.  Plus, if there are children still living in your home, change will only make their world seem even more unstable.

There are so many things to adjust to after someone dies that redecorating or relocating is not in your best interest for you mental health or your emotional state.  It takes time a lot of time to understand and readjust to your new pattern of life.

At this point, change will only ramp up your anxiety and emotional level leaving you feeling more confused and unsure about yourself and the future.

I know this sounds so simple but for some reason as soon as someone dies everyone thinks they need to do something, anything. I am not sure exactly what drives this desire...maybe just fear of the change that has taken place, or trying to gain some control over a situation that feels out of control.

So unless there is a financial reason for making changes, sit tight and let God and time help you sort out your life and help you begin to heal.

Now do you think I listen to our own advice? Not a chance!

I thought this rule did not apply to me. I was different, a professional….

Well I didn't sell our home and I didn't give away or move any of Johnnie's things, I left his clothes hanging in the closet for a year and even now, his dresser still contains all the rest of his personal stuff. 

I did rearrange the living room furniture but I don't think that counts.  As a matter of fact, I am sure that it doesn't and his sunglasses are still sitting on the bookshelf where he left them 4 years ago. But to be perfectly honest I just don't read those books so I never move anything on that bookcase.

But I did buy a dog! Yes a dog! A big expensive dog!

What is that country western song? "What was I thinking?"

You see we had this great family dog, a standard black poodle named Spot. Wonderful dog, you know the kind—well trained, perfect in all regard, some of my best work.

Well, Spot got sick and had to be put to sleep about a month or so before Johnnie died.

A month later, it is the start of summer, school is out. I have this great idea to help move along the ever presences of the thick blanket of grief and sadness in our lives a bit faster by buying a puppy!

Puppies are wonderful, happy, loving, sweet, adorable creatures! Ha! "What was I thinking?"

So I headed out with my cousin to Fredericksburg to a breeder who told me when I got there the only dog she had left was an four month old, non-socialized, black standard poodle who’s parents weighed about 95 pounds each.

At this point I should have turned around and headed home but since I was clearly thinking with my emotions and not my head I purchased Henry.  Besides, I was a professional, surely I could save us (word to the wise that’s God's job!!!!!)

 

Henry threw up all the way home, but the girls were ecstatic and happy and I was so pleased and proud with myself.

What’s that Biblical saying? Pride goes before Dee’s fall.

As soon as the news of the new puppy reached our office those wise and quick to chastise me funeral directors asked if I had lost my mind and quickly reminded me that I had just broken the cardinal NO CHANGE FOR ONE YEAR RULE.

I smugly replied that puppies don’t count as change!

Four chewed up kitchen chairs, one eaten wall and a shredded, newly reupholster sofa later, Henry was quickly relocated to Norfolk and adopted by wonderful family.  It was at that point I knew that needed to start a fund for therapy and learn to follow our own professional advice!

 

So remember, NO CHANGE!!............ It can all wait a year….. Or even two ………….

So say your prayers, say I love you, trust in God, and try to Go Out in Style,

Dee Oliver