Going Out In Style: No Change

By Dee Oliver

Change—don't do it!

By nature humans really don't like change. We like things to stay the same.

We like old slippers, old chairs, old books, old friends...

Change means only one thing to most people...we are going to have to learn something new!!!

In the funeral business we have an unwritten rule we try to advise the families with: No Change for the first year after you lose a loved one.

Webster dictionary defines change as: the act or an instance of making or becoming different.

When someone close to you dies, GOD activates within you what I would call a protective, emotional shock–absorber system.  Kind of like GOD’S own bubble wrap. It. Is. Great!

The purpose of it is to protect and shield you from the immediate impact of the world.  It allows you to begin the difficult and very slow process of working through your grief.

You really can’t speed through this time period…..….if you try you will only end up backtracking through it and believe me, once is enough!

This bubble-wrap buffer last only about a year. You need to use this to your upmost advantage.

Now some of your well meaning family and friends might advise you to make changes: 

Move to a smaller/bigger/new town/new state/warmer climate/cooler climate

Change your hair color/cut

How about a touch-up? Eyes? Nose?   

Maybe Dating!   Really, Dating?   (That is a real NO NO).

 

Give away or remove their clothes and favorite things…..

Don’t do it.  You will at later date regret these decision. Being surrounded by familiar, comforting things is good and reassuring,  they make you feel safe when you feel as if your whole world has been shaken to its very core.  Plus, if there are children still living in your home, change will only make their world seem even more unstable.

There are so many things to adjust to after someone dies that redecorating or relocating is not in your best interest for you mental health or your emotional state.  It takes time a lot of time to understand and readjust to your new pattern of life.

At this point, change will only ramp up your anxiety and emotional level leaving you feeling more confused and unsure about yourself and the future.

I know this sounds so simple but for some reason as soon as someone dies everyone thinks they need to do something, anything. I am not sure exactly what drives this desire...maybe just fear of the change that has taken place, or trying to gain some control over a situation that feels out of control.

So unless there is a financial reason for making changes, sit tight and let God and time help you sort out your life and help you begin to heal.

Now do you think I listen to our own advice? Not a chance!

I thought this rule did not apply to me. I was different, a professional….

Well I didn't sell our home and I didn't give away or move any of Johnnie's things, I left his clothes hanging in the closet for a year and even now, his dresser still contains all the rest of his personal stuff. 

I did rearrange the living room furniture but I don't think that counts.  As a matter of fact, I am sure that it doesn't and his sunglasses are still sitting on the bookshelf where he left them 4 years ago. But to be perfectly honest I just don't read those books so I never move anything on that bookcase.

But I did buy a dog! Yes a dog! A big expensive dog!

What is that country western song? "What was I thinking?"

You see we had this great family dog, a standard black poodle named Spot. Wonderful dog, you know the kind—well trained, perfect in all regard, some of my best work.

Well, Spot got sick and had to be put to sleep about a month or so before Johnnie died.

A month later, it is the start of summer, school is out. I have this great idea to help move along the ever presences of the thick blanket of grief and sadness in our lives a bit faster by buying a puppy!

Puppies are wonderful, happy, loving, sweet, adorable creatures! Ha! "What was I thinking?"

So I headed out with my cousin to Fredericksburg to a breeder who told me when I got there the only dog she had left was an four month old, non-socialized, black standard poodle who’s parents weighed about 95 pounds each.

At this point I should have turned around and headed home but since I was clearly thinking with my emotions and not my head I purchased Henry.  Besides, I was a professional, surely I could save us (word to the wise that’s God's job!!!!!)

 

Henry threw up all the way home, but the girls were ecstatic and happy and I was so pleased and proud with myself.

What’s that Biblical saying? Pride goes before Dee’s fall.

As soon as the news of the new puppy reached our office those wise and quick to chastise me funeral directors asked if I had lost my mind and quickly reminded me that I had just broken the cardinal NO CHANGE FOR ONE YEAR RULE.

I smugly replied that puppies don’t count as change!

Four chewed up kitchen chairs, one eaten wall and a shredded, newly reupholster sofa later, Henry was quickly relocated to Norfolk and adopted by wonderful family.  It was at that point I knew that needed to start a fund for therapy and learn to follow our own professional advice!

 

So remember, NO CHANGE!!............ It can all wait a year….. Or even two ………….

So say your prayers, say I love you, trust in God, and try to Go Out in Style,

Dee Oliver

A List About Making Lists

Image from WSJ

By Lisa Robertson

This time of year, my lists overwhelm me.

I have at least 6-10 active lists. Several lists for a February wedding, a list for Christmas
cards, a lift for the gifts we gave, a list from the children on what they hoped to receive,
another list  to help me remember  things I fear I might forget, a simple grocery
list, a to-do list, thank you note lists, a list for new year’s resolutions, and one for the blessings and answers to prayers I saw in 2011. There are so many lists and so little time.

Yesterday, I read an article by Sue Shellenbarger from the Wall Street Journal about the art
of making an effective TO-DO List. Here are the highlights:

1. Limit list to concrete tasks — this list has what needs to be done, it has boundaries, a
beginning and an end.

2. Assign a priority to each task—ask yourself, “Is this urgent for my life today?” How
urgent? How helpful to others or myself? How important to the success of this day?

3. Plan a time and schedule for each task. This insight is new for me, and I have been doing
it without knowing that it would be on the WSJ to do list.  Each morning, I will block off my day with known commitments-meetings, lunches, walks, phone calls, desk work. I will assign the urgent commitments to an hour in the day.  This helps be me more realistic about what I can accomplish and they time I will need to get it done.  If I pray, “Give me this day my daily bread…”, it helps me to focus on this day and its needs.

4.Group tasks by where they will be performed — house, office, errands, etc.

5.LIST ONLY AS MANY ITEMS AS CAN BE REALISTICALLY ACCOMPLISHED. In other
words, don’t set yourself up to fail. Three days of “stuff” will not fit into three hours of
time.

6.Cross off or delete completed tasks — this is the best part.

7.Start a new list……..

Lists can be hand written-a new notebook and pen might motivate you,done on a computer or entered in a phone or I-Pad app.  For the first week of the new year, try making your lists.

One of the most important lists that I make at the end of the year is a reflection on God’s presence, answers to prayers, special Scriptures or insights. I combine this with another list which contains the deepest prayers of my heart. Some requests are specific-prayers for healing, wisdom, a plan for a graduating child, direction for me in the decisions that I will make.. Other requests are more general, the presidential election, Israel, our church and its leadership, Changing Seasons and Faithful Beginnings.

God has a plan for me for today and for next year. My goal is to ask Him for help so that I
can get to the best places that He has planned for me.

Jeremiah 29:11 sums this up—"I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring
you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you,
not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for."

Proverbs 16:9—We plan the way we want to live, but only God makes us able to live it.

Proverbs 21:5—Careful planning puts you ahead in the long run; hurry and scurry puts
you further behind.

Prov. 24:21—It's better to be wise than strong; intelligence outranks muscle any day.

Think about your lists, make a list or two and see how they might help you to be better
organized in 2012.

And the list goes on & on!

Covering a Multitude of Sins

What did you get for Christmas? 

This year I received three scarves: a gold, shimmery Banana Republic scarf from my husband, a multicolored pashmina style Gap scarf from my dad, and a chic Burberry scarf from my mom. 

Here I am with my goddaughter Annie, her other godmother Maria holding her, and her proud mommy Allison.

I simply LOVE scarves in this season.  I don’t just mean the wintry season but also my life stage.  My life stage is spelled with three letters: M-O-M.  Scarves can cover a multitude of sins.  Spit up from a baby.  Stains from breast milk.  A shirt that was just another black shirt yesterday (because it can thankfully still pass for today because the laundry has not yet been switched from the washer to the dryer).  And very importantly, scarves can cover the “pooch” that is often left from babies, especially the pooch from a twin pregnancy like my first pregnancy.

Where am I going with this, you might ask?  I am not completely sure myself.  However, I am grateful for things such as scarves that can express personality, add style, change a look, and make you feel good about your figure even when it has been altered by life.  I know we’ve all been altered by life in one way or another.  Thank the Lord for the scarves in our lives, literal and figurative.  Not that we need to hide, but sometimes we do need a little help!

I usually avoid the malls post-Christmas, but if I happen to venture into the stores this week, I may just have to grab another scarf (on sale)!  Go for it and express yourself while celebrating how you have been altered by life.   

Ready for Adventure

By Trish Ryan

Confession: I’d planned a post on how getting through Christmas always leaves me feeling like I’ve completed a marathon–exhausted, triumphant, glad I don’t have to do THAT again for awhile. But then I saw this post by the amazing Tayari Jones (who spent Christmas in Aruba flirting with flamingos) and I realized a pivot was in order. So for today, a question: Are you prepared for the possibility of adventure?

Is your passport up to date? Is your life sufficiently organized that you’d know what to grab & who to call if you had to jet off on twenty-four hours notice? And the big one: Have you cultivated a mindset that says YES to opportunities?

As I consider my life so far (something required for memoir-writing), perhaps my favorite thing about my life is that I’ve had such an abundance of amazing, unlikely experiences. Of course, some of these adventures have ended in mind-blowing crashes…but even those have given me good information about God and life that I’m grateful for. In other words: life is really fun when you’re able to say yes to chances that come your way. And while the word “adventure” usually brings up thoughts of travel to distant lands, trust me: if God is behind it, you can have a huge, life-changing adventure right in your own town. Your job is to be ready to say yes when the chances come along.

A couple of tips for making smart adventure choices: 1. This does not apply to marriage...entering or leaving!!! Chick-lit films notwithstanding, there is nothing romantic or adventurous about legally attaching yourself to a guy you barely know...or spontaneously abandoning your husband in search of greener pastures. Okay, with that said... 2. Practice saying “yes” to small things first. Have a month where you say yes to everything you’re invited to be part of that does not require criminal behavior (or, again, marriage).3. Pray. Ask God to expand your horizons:

Dear God, I want to live the life of adventure You’ve created for me (and created me for). Open my mind and heart to respond as You want me to to the opportunities that come along. Thank you that You’ve been preparing me. Make me immediately obedient to the prompting of Your Holy Spirit so I’m ready in every way, for everything. And I thank You that You protect me from the lies and temptations of the Evil one that try to lure me off Your path. I’m excited for this life, and these possibilities! In Jesus’ name, Amen.

There are a couple of places in the Bible where we’re told not to brag about what we’ll be doing tomorrow, because really, only God knows. I’ve always taken this as a warning, but I wonder now if there might also be a more positive aspect to this: If we’re careful what we promise to do in the future, that gives us freedom to follow God’s promptings. For me, that’s an exciting perspective to pray about as we go into the coming New Year.

The Christmas Story

Most of us have heard the Christmas story year after year, but sometimes hearing it told through the eyes of a child can be a refreshing reminder of Jesus' miraculous birth.

We hope you enjoy this video as much as we do!
(Email subscribers click here)

Mantras and Mistletoe

It is my prayer that the Lord will use what He is teaching me in this hectic holiday season to also serve as an encouragement to you.

Here is my advice that I am attempting to flesh out even as I type: Get a MANTRA!

Stick with me; I know this sounds cheesy. Or on the other hand, it could sound like I am telling you to put on your big girl panties while you pull yourself up by those proverbial boot straps and Bible verse your way through stress, difficult family dynamics, endless to do lists, unfulfilled hopes, or whatever else you face this Christmas.  

This is NOT what I am recommending. We need the Lord and we certainly cannot navigate this holiday season without His grace and provision.  After all, He is strongest when we are at our weakest (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Thankfully, the Lord provides us with tools to make the burdens we face lighter.  The tool I currently am employing is a mantra.  I wanted something short that I could easily recall and quickly say to myself and whisper to Jesus.  I wanted something that calmed my anxious heart while reminding me of the purpose and renewal Jesus has for my life and for my family.

Here is the mantra I chose:
“Be still; Restore.”

I chose this mantra, because I am prone to stress and carrying heavy burdens, especially those associated with the pain of the past, the unknowns of the future, feeling spread too thin, and longing for my son John’s full healing on earth.  

The first part, “Be still,” stops me in my tracks. I see this as my part. I have to slow down, stop, and give myself permission to simply be still.  The second part, “Restore,” is God’s. He is the only One who can restore and make things new.  I love how rest is part of the word restore. Only He brings true rest. Also the word, restore, reminds me that God has a plan for my life… that He hasn’t forgotten my past and that He is working to restore hope, joy, and abundant life to me in my present and future.

I will continue to pray for you as you create your own mantra or decide to adopt this one. Mostly, I pray Christ will give you peace, joy, and hope as He reminds you of His unfailing presence throughout this sacred time of year.  With these mantras under our belts, it is my hope and belief that the Holy Spirit will enable us to switch our Christmas focus from chaos to anticipation… anticipation of what Christ did 2,000 years ago when he was born AND anticipation of what Christ is doing today in each of our lives.

“ ‘Be still, and know that I am God.’


The LORD Almighty is with us;

the God of Jacob is our fortress."

Psalm 46: 10a, 11

Give yourself the gift of giggle

By Trish Ryan

I'm not crafty and I don't bake, so I typically spend the holiday season hiding out behind the heavy furniture and hoping no one will notice me as I wait for January. I love giving presents, so I remind myself that in the days of Little House on the Prairie, it was the store-bought gifts that were the most extra special!

In that spirit, I suggest that you go to a store today and buy yourself a gift that will keep you giggling through the rest of 2011: Mindy Kaling's book, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? The hilarity of her childhood pictures alone more than justify the investment.

You can come by in 2012 and thank me for this tip. Until then, I'll be behind the couch :)

Last Minute Christmas Party Ideas

By Elizabeth Robertson Williams

I know we've got just one week until Christmas and things can tend to get crazy, but who says you can't squeeze in one or two more soirees?  Looking for some last-minute ideas?  Here are two fabulous ideas that I just had to share:


1.  A Favorite Things Party!  

Inspired by Nester's post here, my friend Catherine came up with the idea to pull together a Favorite Things Party.  There were 8 of us total and each one of us picked out our favorite thing under $5 and brought one for each of us!  The result?  We all went home with candles, votives, moleskin notebooks, fancy hair things, a cactus, and several frozen yogurt gift cards!  (Great minds think alike!)  Think Oprah, but even better!! 

Although we centered ours around Christmas, you can have a favorite things party any day of the year.  In our case, we've decided to make it a quarterly event, because it's just too fun to only do once a year!

Our hostess with the mostest, Catherine, added cranberries to our wine glasses for a festive touch!

Cactus plants lined up to go home.

Mae Mae, Catherine & Molly with a few favorites.

More favorite things with Sallie!

Thanks to Molly's iPhone for the pics!!  

2.  Wreath Making Party!

After I caught a slight craft bug thanks to Carrie Yuill, I shared my newest wreath making hobby with my friend Abby who had recently stumbled upon another fabulous wreath idea.  I've quickly learned that crafts are just another excuse for a party, so a few of us got together to make these fabulous ribbon wreaths. 

Virginia showing off her fabulous wreath!

 

Our hostess Abby with her finished product!

If I can do it, anyone can!  It's super easy, fun, and relaxing.  We each had wreath frames and lots of red, green, gold, and plaid ribbon wire ribbon.  We cut about 6" pieces and tied them in knots until it was full all the way around.  You can really use any ribbon, but the wire was good, because we could scrunch it up at the end to make it a bit more full.

We also did a ribbon wreath encore at our Bible study using wire hangers for the wreath frame (just undo it and shape it into a circle) and lots and lots of sparkle ribbon.  I had so much fun, I forgot to take pictures!

Click here for a full tutorial.  

Lots of places are putting their ribbon on sale right now and if you're head to Michaels, you can always print off a coupon for 20-50% off something on your computer, so you might want do a little google search before you head out.

Hope you enjoy these ideas as much as I have!  Both are fun, easy ideas to throw together with your daughters, sisters, Bible study, book club, neighbors, or old high school friends home for Christmas.

Merry, Merry!!!!

Going Out In Style……

By Dee Oliver

Marriage is the union of two people becoming one.  I know I mention in my last post how much I enjoyed being married. Johnnie was the love of my life and my best friend. It seemed as if we told each other everything.

Everything except…………………

• What is the name of the man who cuts the grass?
• The garage that repairs the car?
• If the house needs painting who do I call?
• What about the leak in the roof?
• How about the rotten window he never got around to having replaced?  Just open the phone book and try and figure that one out!
• Furnaces/ air conditioners; I never took that course in college.
• Where does she take my clothes to be dried cleaned?
• How does the washer/dryer work? Vacuum? Dishwasher?
• Do we have a housekeeper? What is her name? What day does she come? How much does she get paid?
• If I need one now who do I call?
• What is the name of our children’s doctor?
• How often do they go to the dentist? Who is the dentist?
• We have a dog! A sick dog, now where does he go?
• Shoot! How do you start a lawn mower and I thought the mulch for the yard just automatically came twice a year.
• There is a snake in the kitchen!!! Really there was!! The kids left the back door open all day. I screamed, the snake stared at me more frightened than me as I dialed 911 and ran out the front door looking for a man!! Thank the good Lord above,  a lawn service was cutting my neighbors’ yard across the street.

I refer to these as pink jobs, blue jobs.

It didn’t take long after Johnnie’s death for me to realized that husbands and wives never divulge the information about their jobs to each other.

I thought I knew a lot about our lives together but ……... I really didn’t.

 I went into a bit of a panic mode when the furnace needed to be replaced. I had no idea who to call or what I should be paying for something like that. I am proud to say that I did it but not with out a lot of sleepless nights and hand wringing, something that could have been avoided if I had been a bit more pro-active when Johnnie started taking about needing to have that done. You see he was in the thought /looking process of this monumental project when he died. But when he was researching the options I wasn’t the least bit interested and quickly assess that it was a blue job and went about my pink jobs.

I have always wondered why widowers remarry so fast contrary to widows.

It is the pink jobs! Pink jobs show up first thing in the morning!

Really most men don’t even know how the coffee maker works. So ladies if you don’t want some woman moving into your home the week after you have departed to the heavenly realms. Teach him some pink jobs and be sure to learn some blue ones!!

Oh by the way, 911 doesn’t do snakes! You have to call an exterminator….(another blue job!)

Say your prayers, say I love you, trust in God and try to go out in style!!

 
Dee

Mary, Mary

By Lisa Robertson

Each year, our dining room table is decorated with a beautiful wooden nativity scene.  Lovingly, and with some pride, we place the figures down the center of the table.  Shepherds, camels, sheep and even a duck accompany the kings, donkey and the holy family.   As the years pass, we have added palm trees, straw and candles. 

A few years ago, after a long day, we were getting ready sit down for  Christmas dinner.  I was exhausted, but satisfied that we had finished a memorable celebration.  Water was in the glasses, the candles were lit and dinner was ready.  What a relief!   

As I was bringing food for the table, shrieks came from the dining room. “The table is on fire”- and it was.  Because I didn’t want to ruin the lovely decorated table, I tried to put the fire out by smothering it with a napkin, only to fan the flames.  Finally, my young son picked up a glass of ice water and threw in on the fire, the nativity set, and the food.

We did eat that Christmas night, but the food was cold, the tablecloth off and a the table was reset.  My lasting memory of that night is that Mary was singed by the fire and still smells a little like smoke.

Mary is a role model for me and here is why-

This was an ordinary day.  Mary had chores to do, meals to prepare and a life to live.  When the sun rose that morning, she had no indication that this was a day that would change her life, a day that would change all of history.

God had an extraordinary day planned for Mary and He sent the angel Gabriel to tell her.  “Don’t be afraid, Mary” is the opening greeting.  Throughout the Bible, whenever an angel meets with people, the opening greeting is always “Do not be afraid”.   He continues  “for God has decided to bless you.”

“Wow!  God has decided to bless me?”  may have been Mary’s first thought.  If an angel came to you with a message like that, what would you expect?  Health, happiness, wealth, perfect children?  Mary might have imagined some of those same blessings. 

But God had a magnificent plan.  “You will become pregnant and have a son, and you are to name him Jesus.  He will be great and called the Son of the Most High…and His kingdom will never end.”  In her wildest dreams, I don’t think that was the blessing that Mary was expecting.  

As a mother of four daughters, I'm not certain that this is a blessing that my girls would want.   

God chose Mary for many reasons.  Shock, confusion and maybe fear may have been her initial response, but Mary was quick to embrace God’s plan for her.  “ I am the Lord’s servant may everything you have said to me come true.”  Mary saw herself first as the Lord’s servant, willing to do what He asked of her.  She was not more concerned about what her parents might think or even her friends.  Mary’s confidence was in her knowledge of God and His perfect love for her. 

Like Mary, God has a wonderful plan for each one of us.  His plan can be slowly revealed to us as we follow Him, or it can jump into our lives in an instant.   God’s plan for Mary was shocking, inconvenient and beyond all that she could ask or imagine.  His plan for you could evoke some of these same emotions.

God planted His plan in Mary’s life.  Over time, it developed and matured.  During the following months she probably got used to it.  The angel’s parting words to her were, “For nothing is impossible with God.”  Luke 1:37.

When I hold my scarred Mary, those same words are written, by me, underneath her base.  Mary was willing, trusting and adventurous in her walk with God.  She wanted all that He had for her and risked her reputation and future because she trusted God.  I want to be more like Mary.  

Who Does He Look Like?

“Who does he look like?”

I am often asked this question as people study John or Daniel’s features – their smiles, noses, hair lines, and even their ears and toes.  And as a child, I am sure you also remember people remarking, “Oh you look just like your mother!” Or, “You have your Daddy’s build!” 

I was thrilled when people saw my parents in me; I admired them and wanted to be like them.  In the same way, Meade and I (along with the doting grandparents) beam with pride as someone tells us they see a bit of us in our boys. It is sheer delight!

As I was contemplating this the other day, it hit me that we all, as human beings, are created in an image far greater than our earthly parents.  We are created in God’s very image; He chose us as the vessels to display His likeness. 

No one can deny that a new baby is an utter miracle.  How much more miraculous is it that that very baby is created in God’s image and is intended to reflect the Creator. 

Consider how much it delights the Lord when he looks at us as we are living out His purposes, becoming more like Him and embodying His love, and He witnesses His very image glancing back. I pray today that we will all seek to live in light of who we are – beloved children of God created in His image to display His likeness.

The Meaning in Me

I wrote this post for my blog, A Maze of Grace, where we're spending the rest of 2011 praying for God to bring awesome husbands for His single daughters. As I thought about what I wanted to write about here at Changing Seasons, I realized that this is idea is still stirring around in me. I think we all bump into it--repeatedly--in different seasons. So I thought I'd repost, along with a few additions. Enjoy!

As I was on the treadmill last night the song The Meaning In Me came up on shuffle. Listen to it now if you can. The lyrics got me thinking about how easy it is to lose track of who we are and end up backed into corners that don’t feel like us at all.

I’ve had several different seasons of my life when I’d be in the middle of some situation or conversation that just felt horrible–almost otherworldly–and I’d look around and wonder, How did I get here? In most cases, as I traced things back I found ways I’d betrayed myself, zigging when I’d wanted to zag, but not wanting to rock the boat or disappoint anyone. Then I’d have to find the “reset” button and get back–or forward–to where I was supposed to be. But I can never get there alone. "Working on myself" (the traditional recommendation we women give one another whenever life goes astray) is a disaster...unless I let God oversee the remodeling.

Most work we do on ourselves only pushes us further back. But when we let God work on us, He sets us free.

Here's a prayer to let God in on the construction project:

Dear God, I’m not where I want to be. I’m not who I want to be. But I don’t know the answers to either of the questions that come next. So I give my life to you, Jesus–please sort me out. I trust that you know me, and that I was created with a purpose. Help me get there. Thank you that You won’t let me miss it. I renounce the idea that I have to have it all together to be loved, or to be happy and fulfilled with my life. Forgive me for ways I’ve cooperated with that lie. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit and teach me how to walk away from lies and into Your truth. Thank you that You created me to be an awesome, loving, wise, beloved woman. Let’s start now! In your name, Jesus. Amen.

Here's to your next season :)